Archive for the ‘Just Fun’ Category

I’m cross-posting this from Filioque blog, and it was crossposted there from elsewhere. This deserves to be crossposted all over the place!!

These could be Protestant Flames or Roman Catholic Flames or, really, just Religious Flames – you’ll find people using them in college classes, political debates, religion – any venue that attracts all kinds of people, can raise the passions, and convince people that the ends (the cause) justifies any means, methods, or techniques for achieving it. They’re basically fallacies but dressed up in a religious context.

Orthodox Flames
The Definitive Guide

Orthodox Flame 1:

I humbly remind you that you’re too proud.

Orthodox Flame 2:

When we attack you, the Holy thing is to remain meek and passive.

Orthodox Flame 3:

Let’s keep the dialogue open; lets discuss how you talk too much.

Orthodox Flame 4:

Your interest in genuine Orthodoxy demonstrates that you’re not fully converted.

Orthodox Flame 5:

You’re talking out of your… er.. uh… background.

Orthodox Flame 6:

You’re not smart enough to have an opinion, but there’s a nice pew in the back for you.

Orthodox Flame 7:

If you defend yourself we can’t make you a martyr.

Orthodox Flame 8: Surveillance Flame:

Who’s your Bishop and where’s your Church?

Orthodox Flame 9:

Love means we never have to say we’re sorry.

Orthodox Flame 10: Dossier Flame 1:

We’re exposing this person in public so you can pray for him in secret. (was fundamentalist flame #1)

Orthodox Flame 11:

We’ve wounded your pride; we were aiming at your head.

Orthodox Flame 12:

Clergy are right even when they’re wrong. (was Jesuit flame #1)

Orthodox Flame 13:

How dare you say that about bickering and division! Are you asking for a fight?

Orthodox Flame 14:

No, here we only have one right – the right to be smeared.

Orthodox Flame 15: Shut up or I’m leaving.

Er…uh…I mean my delicacy is being offended by your self-righteous manipulations, so I might have to unsubscribe.

Orthodox Flame 16:

Tell us who you are. Anonymity is obviously a ploy to protect your good name.

Orthodox Flame 17: False false false.

What I say three times is true.

Orthodox Flame 18 Re: I still think… (was “What the Father’s Say”)

Orthodox Flame 19:

You’ve got too much pride. I know; I was born Orthodox (…am Greek, studied in Greece, teach Sunday School, have a degree, …..)

Orthodox Flame 20: The Flame that Never Dies:

repeat a rumor, accusation, or misrepresentation again and again until it passes as real. (was The Holy Hatchet Job)

Orthodox Flame 21: The Divine Dogpile (self explanatory)

Orthodox Flame 22: Titular Trap:

Cry abuse and mistreatment at an imprudent form of address, but call it over-reaction to defend one’s actual name.

Orthodox Flame 23: The Non-Confession Confession:

“Dirty Tricks happen.”

Orthodox Flame 24: The Enabler:

“Dirty Tricks happen. Let them.”

(also “Live and Let Flame”.)

Orthodox Flame 25: The Pious Enabler:

I mean, people are only human. Why can’t you talk about something good like divinization?

Orthodox Flame 26:

What do you expect from Orthodox Christians?

Orthodox Flame 27:

Truth is admitting you’re wrong even when you’re not.

Orthodox Flame 28: Projection Flame:

This side issue is too important in your thinking; we’ve told you this repeatedly.

Orthodox Flame 29:

Accuse others of pretensions to scholarship; Append your academic resume.

Orthodox Flame 30: “Into the pit we’ve dug” flame:

Talk publicly about who was “caught in immoral conduct”, thereby being caught in it also.

Orthodox Flame 31: Body-Snatching Flame:

Urge one to consult his spiritual father, then tell him what the spiritual father would say.

Orthodox Flame 32: Potshot Flame (self-explanatory).

Best used with “If you understood it that way, perhaps you’re too defensive.”

(Also known as the Flickering Flame)

Orthodox Flame 33: Flame-by-association:

fundamentalist-creationist, vagantee-idea (was Inquisition Flame #1)

Orthodox Flame 34: Flame-by-alienation:

If you say that, the Protestants, scientists, ethnics, WCC, won’t like us.

Orthodox Flame 35: Flame Prevention Flame:

Some questions shouldn’t be asked.

Orthodox Flame 36: Flame Retardant Flame:

Some questions aren’t worth asking.

Orthodox Flame 37: Drowned by an Ocean Flame:

“This isn’t the Church’s concern”.

Orthodox Flame 38: The Dossier Flame 2:

Seize on a point in an opponent’s history, an make it the explanatory fact of his”background” – adversely affecting all his views. Suggest that he is not fully converted.

(Was Puritan Flame #1)

Orthodox Flame 39: Flame to End All Flames:

Invite someone to take a dispute offline, only to give them a piece of one’s mind with a note that the conversation is over.

Orthodox Flame 40: Smart Flame:

Selective quotation of an interlocutor.

Orthodox Flame 41: Mint Seed Flame:

You should be spending your time praying and studying rather than concerning yourself with… (either/or vs. both/and)
(Was “Don’t Take My Advice, I Don’t Take it Myself” Flame) {1.}

Orthodox Flame 42: Diversionary Aside:

“And I haven’t even mentioned the shameful treatment of, comments about, …etc.” {2.}

Orthodox Flame 43: The Missionary Flame:

We argue not because we care about the truth, but in order to break your pride.

Orthodox Flame 44: Missionary Flame 2:

People of your attitude are what’s keeping converts away. Best used on converts.

Orthodox Flame 45: Missionary Reverse Ad Hominem:

You’re right, but assenting to your point makes it seem like I’m endorsing you.

(also known as Blacklisting Flame)

Orthodox Flame 46: Flame Substitute:

“Studies have shown…”, “Experts agree…”, “I think most of us would agree…”.

(also known as the Ecumenical Flame) {3}.

Orthodox Flame 47: Flamecalling:

“Only a fundamentalist would say…” “Only a person who has not spent enough time praying could believe…” “Only a convert…” “Only a newbie…” variation on “Only an ignorant person would think…”

Orthodox Flame 48: Cooking the Books:

That can’t be true, inspired, etc. because that would mean (affecting one’s pet issue – pacifism, feminism, etc.). Anyway, not everything written by all the Fathers is true….etc.

Orthodox Flame 49: Jurisdictional Cook Book:

Anyway, he’s from X jurisdiction. He *would* say that.

Orthodox Flame 50: Freezing the Books:

Those who use proof texts should know better…

(Also known as “We don’t need no stinking proof” Flame)

Orthodox Flame 51: Cook them All, Let God Sort Them Out:

I wish all of you would stop fighting. Sure, ___ called you and yours some nasty names, but your attempts to respond are just aggravating the situation.

Orthodox Flame 52: Geek Anathema:

You must be a newbie (new participant). Go lurk.

(Was “Typical Welcome Flame #1″)

Orthodox Flame 53: Flaming No Names:

“Some of the (so & so’s) on the List…” (militants, fundamentalists, lackeys, etc.)

(also known as the Corporate Smear)

Orthodox Flame 54: Looking Under a Rock Flame: eg.

“…the vagantes who have come out of hiding…”

Orthodox Flame 55: Size Does Matter Flame:

Your posts are too long to be understood. Best used with full quotation of the aforemention message and an =20 after each line.

Orthodox Flame 56: Ortho-Fragging:

Send private messages sympathizing with the vicious beating someone is taking on the List, but offer no defense before his assailants.

Orthodox Flame 57: Warm Fuzzy Flame:

Argue a point to the rational teeth, then when proven wrong, answer “what good is reason without love?”

Orthodox Flame 58: Vanishing Flame:

Argue a point to the rational teeth, then when proven wrong, suddenly cultivate silence.

Orthodox Flame 59: Literal Flame:

When an interlocutor says “I could be wrong” or “I am a sinful man”, or “I often make mistakes”, miss the point of Orthodox humility and respond “Thou thyself hast said it”. Best while maintaining that literalism is a fundamentalist vulgarity.

Orthodox Flame 60: Rubbing one stick together:

Go on about the deplorable sin of giving offense but forget the sin of taking it.

Orthodox Flame 61: Burning With Love:

Tell someone he’s been “warned” numerous times of his error, referring to the posts where he is called a “fraud”, “cult-member”, etc, and that his unwillingness to meekly ascede to those criticisms is a sign of his stubborn resistance those who love him.

Orthodox Flame 62: Psychological Mugging:

“So and so believes, feels, thinks, can’t get past, is trapped in, out of touch with, wants us to, is caught up in, blinded by, obviously suffering from…” (us?).

(Was Streetcorner Therapy Flame #1)

Orthodox Flame 63: Do Not Disturb flame:

What we need on this message server is fewer Messages. How about we all stop talking.

Orthodox Flame 64: Ventriloquism Flame:

Of course so & so would say…

Best when answered by “I can’t believe he said that!”

Orthodox Flame 65: Blame Flame:

Examine yourself. Maybe all these flames are coming your way for a reason.

(Was Central Park Jogger Flame #1)

Orthodox Flame 66: Vitamin-Fortified Flame:

Maybe these flames are happening for your benefit.

Orthodox Flame 67: Kevlar Flame:

Don’t take these flames so seriously.

Orthodox Flame 68: Flame of Flames:

Our Lord didn’t cry out when we flamed Him.

Orthodox Flame 69: Jurisdictional Flame:

My flame doesn’t recognize your flame.

Orthodox Flame 70: Vagantee Flame:

That’s not a real flame!

Orthodox Flame 71: Huh? Flame:

My flame is in communion with your flame, but they can’t concelebrate.

Orthodox Flame 72: Calendar Flame:

My flame won’t come until a week after your flame.

Orthodox Flame 73: Modern Translation Flame:

This is not a flame. It’s a luminescent metaphor for primordial conflict.

Orthodox Flame 74: The Ecumenist Flame:

It’s only a flame if that’s all right with you. We’re open to sticking our hand in the flame at some point, if it’s cool for you.

Orthodox Flame 75: The Genuine Original True and Unadulterated Flame:

“There’s only one flame left and its ours.”

The original 76-85 (they seem to have been mis-numbered at some point)

Orthodox Flame #76:

“I wouldn’t join any jurisdiction that would have me as a member.” (Omophor-Hopping Flame)

Orthodox Flame #77:

Your own mother doesn’t recognize you.

(Disregarded Deposition Flame)

Orthodox Flame #78:

I don’t recognize my own mother. (See Vacancy Flame)

Orthodox Flame #79: Lung Theory Flame

So I have TWO mothers?

Orthodox Flame #80: Probably True Flame

You’re obviously closed for Renovation (ism).

Orthodox Flame #81: Sputtering Flame

Yeah, well you’re autocephalous!

Orthodox Flame #82: Vagante Convert Flame

Yeah, well you were received by Schismation.

Orthodox Flame #83: Guantanamo Flare

Wasn’t your bishop the one censing a sidewalk on CNN?
(Vagante Flame 2)

Orthodox Flame #84: Consecrated Flame

(Vagantee Flame 3) Your bishop was consecrated in a pool hall.
Answer: And Our Lord was born in a stable.

Orthodox Flame #85: Motherland Flame

You’re under arrest. You nuns clear out of here!

Flames 86-95 (again, they seem to have been renumbered)

Orthodox Flame 86: Sergian Flame

Say, what’s your codename?

Orthodox Flame 87: Inter-Sergian Flame

Yeah, well your codename is “pest”.

Orthodox Flame 88: Matushka Flame

The Mat. doesn’t stand for Matador. Take your bull elsewhere.

Orthodox Flame 89: Crucible Flame

911? There are men with torches at the door!
Oh, it’s only a late night defrocking.

Orthodox Flame 90: Spelling Flame, Acronymic Flame:

Ekkumenism, Antiochian Archdisease, EpisCOCUmenism, Semetary, Anglimensions, Spyierarch, faxcommunication, Dukakiscopalian, ORCA, OKRA, ROCORP, SCOBOTS.

Orthodox Flame 91: GOA way! Flame

Orthodox Flame 92: Flame in Denial Flame

I wasn’t just flamed, I was GOARCHed!

Orthodox Flame 93: Casuistry Shuffle Flame:

Let us hierarchs worry about the Church; you worry about your salvation.
Answer: I thought the Church was my salvation.

Orthodox Flame 94: Licked by Flames

Sign on Vatican Door during Papal Visit to Moscow: “Gone Fishing”

Orthodox Flame 95: Dancing with the Devil Flame

Sign on door of Moscow Patriarchate during Papal Visit: “Live Bait”

The original end-notes:

1. When Christ chided the pharisees for tithing mint seeds but neglecting the weightier matters of the law, he did not say they should no have tithed their mint seeds — he said they should have “done the former without neglecting the later”. — Why Ad Hominem Arguments are Fallacious – John Whiteford, 12 Dec 97.

2. If you wish to discuss that, then please do — but do it in the context of discussing that, rather than as a diversionary aside within the context of another discussion. – Why Ad Hominem Arguments are Fallacious – John Whiteford, 12 Dec 97.

3. see Dr. Thomas Mether on Proof Surrogate, Why Ad Hominem Arguments are Fallacious, 12 Dec 97.


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4AM – Mom’s alarm goes off – I must hide

4:15AM – Mom’s alarm goes off and she starts getting out of bed. It is time to wind between her ankles and try to trip her up.

4:30AM – Mom pulls the covers up over her spot in bed and runs her hand under so I can play “mouse under the covers” – Ok that’s enough! Time for napping

5AM – Mom starts waking up the Ol’ Curmudgeon. I ignore her.

5:20AM – The Ol’ Curmudgeon gets up. I ignore him

10AM – I go out to the living room to remind Mom to FEED ME. She is working and doesn’t notice me. So I leap onto the back of her chair and ooze down onto the arm, then down into the crevice between her and the arm, then put my head and one paw across her laptop. AHA!! She realizes I’m here! Time to EAT!!

10:20AM – Curl up in my canvas box and nap

12:30PM – Follow Mom into kitchen and hope she will leave pastrami unguarded again, but she either is not having pastrami or seems to have learned her lesson. [– SEE: DAY FROM HADES –]

1:00PM – Curl up in my canvas box and nap

3:00PM – The Ol’ Curmudgeon comes in and nudges me. I change position and nap some more

4:30PM – Follow the Ol’ Curmudgeon into the kitchen and hope he drops something on the floor. He never does, but I am ever hopeful

5:00PM – Look out the back door and make nasty noises at the outdoor cats in the backyard – MY YARD!!

5:30PM – Look out the patio door and make nasty noises at the outdoor cats on the patio – MY PATIO!!

6:00PM – Curl up in my canvas box and nap. Mom is in her chair, the Ol’ Curmudgeon is in his chair. My world is as it should be.

6:15PM – Climb into the Ol’ Curmudgeon’s lap and purr

6:30PM – Get down and climb into Mom’s lap and purr

6:45PM – Curl up in my canvas box and nap.

8:30PM – Time to eat. Start reminding Mom to FEED ME. Get up on her chair and push at her arm and hands until she shuts down her laptop and gets up. The Ol’ Curmudgeon helps me by reminding her it’s bedtime.

9:00PM – “Food, glorious food! … Don’t care what it looks like!”

9:30PM – Move over! I’m getting into MY spot in the bed – between you. You are trying to sleep too close together. Move apart, I say. I put my feet against Mom and my back against the Ol’ Curmudgeon and push – hard. Ahhhhh! Now I have more room!

10:00PM – PRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr-r-r-r–r–r—r—r—-r

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The House Test

Well, Meg may have found this Blogthing to be accurate, but I’m scratching my head over the last comment!

What the House Test Says About You

You consider yourself important, but no more important than anyone else. You love attention, but you don’t feel like you deserve more of it than anyone else.

You aren’t against being community oriented, but it’s not really your thing. You tend to prefer to focus on your family and not the neighborhood around you.

You are a calm, contemplative, and smart person. You take ideas very seriously.

Your looks aren’t conventionally attractive, but they’re definitely unique. And someone, somewhere, finds that hot.

You find it hard to be enthusiastic about much. You are a picky person.

I’m actually a VERY enthusiastic person!! And I’m not particularly picky at all.

Oh well, they can’t get it all right!

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I had a wretched week. I was working so hard and I was soooo tired that not only did I not get any blogging done, but I didn’t get a shower!! Didn’t get my hair washed, either. Did managed to brush teeth and wipe down the “high points” – or shall I call them the “low points?” But a full blown shower? Nope!

Well, yesterday, I came up for air, stopped hurting long enough to climb into the shower and scrape off the crud. Then I actually got dressed in real clothes!!! Then I sat and panted for a bit. Then I kissed the Ol’ Curmudgeon on the top of his “haid boing” and went off to get my hair done. When I walked in, Thuy said, “Hello, Miss Elizabeth! You want your face waxed?” So I said, “Yes!” After getting eyebrows, upper lip and chin done, and getting  my ahair done, I felt 100 % better. Thuy always massages my temples and my neck when she does my hair which relaxes me nicely.

As I got into the car, a new idea glimmered in what passes for my mind on such days. I picked up my cellphone and called the daughter-person. “Wanna get nails done?” I asked. “Sure!” she responded. “Meet me at Peter Nails,” I said. So she did! I picked out a totally weird neon teal polish for my toenails!! I planned to get  my fingernails painted the same color, but when the time came, I chickened out – more about that, later.

I climbed into the big pedicure chair unit – a huge massage chair with heated hydro foot bath. I promptly melted into a puddle of relaxation. Hot water swirled around my feet and ankles while some kind of massage units went up and down my back. Aaaaaahhhh!!

The daughter arrived with six-year old in tow. He was pretty mellow having been to soccer camp all day. She climbed into the unit next to me, having picked out a bright pink and a navy blue for flowers. Flowers?? Yes! I always get flowers on my big toenails. Flowers? I can have Flowers? How about Pink Flowers on my big toenails??? Can I have that? Yes? YESSSSS!!! The Ol’ Curmudgeon will hate them!! I’ve gotta have ’em! Just to irritate him and stick pins in him. He needs pins stuck in him from time to time!!

OKAY! Feet get massaged, creamed, dried, nails get dried with polish remover, and my beautiful aqua-teal-neon polish is applied – 3 coats! It’s gorgeous! The 6 year old picks out the Pink for the flower, and I watched with interest as Peter drew the flower on my great toenails.  He did 5 bright pink dots in a slightly irregular circle. Then he drew a sharp pinpoint through each dot toward the center of the circle. Then he used bright white polish with a very, very thin brush to make stem and little foliage leaves. Each item dried rapidly. The next thing was some silver glitter that followed the course of the stem and leaves, and was dotted on the center of the flowers. Then a sealing coat. I was intrigued.

I had chickened out on the neon-aqua-teal polish for my fingernails, opting instead for clear – which the Ol’ Curmudgeon much prefers. But my sly nature was taking over! I decided to have neon-aqua-teal flowers on my thumbnails!!! So I did! They are gorgeous!

I’ve tried to take pictures of my nails, but the reflectivity of the polish makes the pictures light-distorted. Rats! Even with my silly little mishapen toenails, I wanted to let you see the flowers!

When I got home, the Ol’ Curmudgeon was upset for about 30 minutes. He thought my flowers were “cheap” and “trashy.” I just laughed at him, and told him I was happy with them. I enjoy color and decoration. I’ve worn plain, subdued colors for 30 years because he prefered them, and by jingo I was going to wear some colors that I enjoyed during the last few years of my life! I won’t wear loud nail polish but a few little flowers on my thumbnails won’t hurt anyone, not him, not me. They make me delightedly happy. My toenails don’t show – I wear full shoes and frequently wear socks. The only times I’m barefoot are at home and when I go to the pool. No one will notice.

I do enjoy “jerking the Ol’ Curmudgeon around!” It’s so much fun!


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This is the most SENSIBLE e-mail I’ve seen in a long time. Whoever wrote this should run for President some day…*

*’We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some resemblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.*

*ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.*

*ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.*

*ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.*

*ARTICLE IV: ** You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes **. (This one is my pet peeves … get an education and go to work … don’t expect everyone else to take care of you!)*

*ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free healthcare. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in public healthcare.*

*ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair, sniff the gas chamber, swing from the gallows, or take it in the vein!!*

*ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.*

*ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training aid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)*

*ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.*

*ARTICLE X: ** This is an English speaking country. We don’t care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!*

And Lastly…

*ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country’s history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH! *

*If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don’t have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don’t. I just think it’s about time common sense is allowed to flourish.*

**Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not, who will?**

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It’s not that we Orthodox don’t have a sense of humor. It’s just that most non-Orthodox don’t have a clue what it’s about!

A few samples:

Orthodox Christians: Until recently, most scholars agreed that Orthodox Christians didn’t really exist. Like werewolves, fairies and Romanians, they were simply a charming Old World fable designed to delight children with outlandish details regarding the rich, luxurious beards and interminable arguments about the proper interpretation of Greek words. Upon further reflection, some scholars now cautiously hazard the guess that there are roughly 250 million Orthodox Christians in the world, with a lineage stretching back to the earliest days of the Church. As for what these strange, chanting, hirsute folk actually believe, though, no one is yet confident enough to hazard a guess.
— Tom Breen

Train Tale

Two people meet on a train. After some introductory chat, they discover both are Orthodox and of Russian descent.
Vlad: Old Calendar or New Calendar?
Alex: Old.
Vlad: Very good. Do you have a three-hour Vigil in church every Saturday night and before every holy day, even if the holy day is on a Monday?
Alex: Yes.
Vlad: Excellent. Pews or no pews?
Alex: No.
Vlad: Clean-shaven or bearded priest?
Alex: Bearded.
Vlad: Does he wear his cassock and cross on the street?
Alex: Da.
Vlad: Is your jurisdiction ecumenist or non-ecumenist?
Alex: Non.
Vlad: Do you have an old-man Trinity icon?
Alex: Uh, yes.
Vlad: Aha! Heretic!

The Light-Bulb Joke:

OK, how many Russian Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Orthodoxy never changes, and, in addition to burning candles like the Catholics, uses oil-burning lamps. ‘Electricity is for those Gregorian calendar-using, liberal ecumenist jurisdictions.’

Which Is The Tradition?

In the village of Omsk all was not well in the local Pokrov Parish. Every year, during Lent, at ‘Blessed art Thou, O Lord, teach me Thy statutes’, half of the congregation would make a metany at the waist, and half would make a full prostration. The little metanists would start whispering sharply, ‘No! No! From the waist!’ To which the great metanists would hiss back even louder, ‘Wrong! Full prostration! Who are you following, the Devil?!’ And fistfights would break out and the service could not even be completed.

Finally the war-weary parishioners decided to ask their priest, Fr Veniamin. ‘Batiushka, what is the tradition? In Lent, at “Blessed art Thou”, do we make a little metany, or a great metany?’ Knowing the rancour attached to the dispute, poor Fr Veniamin trembled, grew pale, then fainted dead away and fell backwards.

So next they went to the Skete of the Forerunner, and asked Fr Onouphry: ‘Batiushka, we want to know, we have a terrible argument at Omsk–what is the tradition? Because half the people say to make small metanies at “Blessed art Thou” now, and half say great metanies. And we start fighting, terrible, terrible. So, tell us, what is the Tradition?’ Seeing the ferocity in their faces, poor Hieromonk Anatoly simply fainted dead away.

Then someone shouted, ‘Let’s go to Elder Ioann and ask him!’ It was a marvellous idea. Surely the elder’s answer would bring peace, for he was respected by all, a native of Omsk, and his hoary 94 years guaranteed a knowledge of what the old tradition had been.

So a large crowd gathered at the elder’s dacha on the outskirts of town. Some 15 men from both sides entered the dacha, and found frail Elder Ioann lying on his bed. As he struggled to draw himself up and offer tea, they cut him off: ‘Elder Ioann, you have to help us! What is the Tradition? Every year in Lent, at “Blessed art Thou, O Lord”, half of the people at Pokrov make little metanies, and half the people great metanies, and we start to argue, and the service doesn’t even finish because of the fistfight!’ Then Elder Ioann said firmly, in his voice shaking with age, and with tears streaming down his joyful face, ‘That… IS… the Tradition!’

Top Ten Signs You Might Be Russian Orthodox

By ‘Dmitri Letterman’

• On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.

• You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.

• You can automatically subtract 13 days from today’s date.

• On your first encounter with long words, you pronounce them stressing the ‘next to the next to last’ syllable.

• You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV.

• You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time.

• To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf.

• You get great deals on Christmas trees and Easter candy.

• You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling.

• When you see a shopping-mall Santa, your first instinct is to hold out your hands to get his blessing.


• Before you pray, you say a prayer.

• You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you.

• When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish. Oy!

• You’re experienced at removing wax from clothing.

• When you go to the movies, you and your spouse sit on different sides of the theatre (and you both feel uncomfortable sitting down in public).

• The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ½ hours — and nobody around you complains.

• You know you’re in an Orthodox church when the priest says, ‘Let us complete our prayer to the Lord’, and there’s still half an hour to go.

• When you saw The Deer Hunter for the first time you sang along with the choir during the wedding scene… and knew they were singing Archangelsky’s Praise the Name of the Lord.

• (Slavic) Every woman in church is called Mary, Irene or Helen.

• (Convert) There’s somebody in your church called Barsanuphius and you think nothing of it.

• You find yourself instinctively drawn to jurisdictional chaos. ‘I don’t believe in organized religion; I’m Orthodox!’

• At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.

• Your Easter isn’t Easter without an all-night party (featuring vodka and 10 dishes of sausage with cheese).

Suggestions for Orthodox Bumper Stickers
(theologic principles that would fit on a bumper sticker)

  • Communion: Theosis you can sink your teeth into.
  • Love Jesus? Honk 40X
  • Orthodoxy: The Church of Acts!
  • Lord have Mercy! (40X)
  • Orthodoxy: Proclaiming the Truth since 33AD
  • Orthodoxy: My Church wrote your Bible
  • Orthodox Christianity: Not New, Not Improved
  • “Of All Holy Works, The Education of Children is The Most Holy.” – St. Theophan the Recluse
  • “The Cross is the gate of mysteries” – St. Isaac the Syrian
  • “The way to God is a daily Cross.” – St. Isaac the Syrian
  • “Glory to God for All Things!” – Metropolitan Tryphon
  • “Obedience with abstinence gives men control over wild beasts.” – Abba Antony
  • “As a flame of fire in dry wood, so too is a body with a full belly.” – St. Isaac the Syrian
  • Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
  • Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever
  • We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
  • Christ is risen from the dead,
    Trampling down death by death!
    And upon those in the tombs bestowing Life!
  • Bidden or unbidden, God is present.
  • Orthodox Christianity: Kickin’ it old school since 33AD
  • Go East young man go East.
  • If God is your co-pilot, switch seats.
  • Tired of organized religion? Try Orthodoxy!
  • God became man that man may become god.
  • If it aint Orthodox, IT’S CRAP!
  • That which is not assumed is not healed
  • Protestantism: The mixed omelette of the Roman egg.
  • Orthodoxy: so easy a caveman can do it.
  • God has sovereignly predestined me to choose freely
  • Orthodoxy: For kids who love to stay up all night, drink wine, and play with fire
  • Orthodoxy: 51% Atkins-Friendly
  • Not so close! I may need to do prostrations!
  • The Orthodox Church: No only standing for the Truth, but never sitting down either!
  • Orthodoxy: Faithfully mainting the tradition started at the Tower of Babel
  • Orthodoxy: Fili-Not-Okay
  • Orthodoxy: Putting the FUN back in “fundamentalism!”
  • In case of rapture, can I have your car??
  • Orthodoxy: Universality, Antiquity, Consent.
  • Orthodoxy: Pro-Life! Pro-Christ! Pro-Baklava!
  • Have you kissed your Mother’s Icon today?
  • When in doubt, cross yourself!
  • Wisdom! Let us attend … to the road!
  • Orthodoxy – Ancestors you can’t remember are part of our Church
  • Horn broken. Listen for Anathema.
  • Eastern Orthodoxy: the only Church with the word “Easter” in its title!
  • You might be Orthodox if … you have rug burns on your forehead 50 days out of the year!
  • You might be Orthodox if … you have the words “consubstantial,” “hypostasis” and “filioque” in your vocabulary.
  • I’d rather be censing.
  • Fish sticks have NO Backbone!

((Last 19 cribbed from the newsletter of one of the Greek Orthodox Churches online that I can’t remember – hit me with a 2×4 and make me say “DOH” – no original thought here!!))

  • Orthodoxy: Putting the MENTAL back in “fundamentalism!
  • Roman Catholicism: Salvation by works.
    Protestantism: Salvation by faith.
    Orthodoxy: Salvation by better nutrition
  • Anglicanism: Where there’s Four there’s a Fifth!
    Orthodoxy: Where there’s Four there’s Food!

(Most of these came from the Orthodox Christian Way Forum on Delphi)

This Conversation Actually Took Place

Born Orthodox, from ‘the old country’: So I’ve heard you’re converting to Orthodoxy.
Convert: Yes.
Born: Why would you do that? I myself was born Orthodox, and I’ll die Orthodox. I’d never leave my religion.
Convert: And out of curiosity, how often do you go to liturgy?
The born Orthodox shrugged: Never.

Are You a Geek Orthodox?

by Steve Lammert

I have come to the conclusion that there really *is* more that unites us than separates us. In fact, I have decided that most of us are really part of the same jurisdiction, after all: The Geek Orthodox. So, ask yourself: Are you Geek Orthodox?

If you have searched the Web for the rules for calculating the date of Pascha, then you might be Geek Orthodox.

If you have written a Perl script which calculates the date of Pascha, then you are Geek Orthodox.

If you have noted the major fast/feast days in your Palm Pilot, then you might be Geek Orthodox.

If you have downloaded the entire Trebnik into your Palm, and made the .CSV file available to other priests via anonymous FTP, then you are Geek Orthodox.

If you have the telephone numbers of your priest and parish in your cell phone’s memory, then you might be Geek Orthodox.

If your priest has ever sent a text message to your pager via e-mail, then you are both Geek Orthodox.

If you read an Orthodox Discussion List from your laptop, then you might be Geek Orthodox.

If the laptop runs Linux, then you are Geek Orthodox.

If you’re using AOL with a Microsoft operating system, you’re probably not Geek Orthodox (yet). If you have used the Web to find a parish when travelling, then you might be Geek Orthodox. If you maintain a Web site for your parish or jurisdiction, then you are Geek Orthodox.

If you have met a priest through an Orthodox Discussion List, and later visited his parish, then you might be Geek Orthodox.

If you have met a priest through a List, and later sought spiritual counseling from him via e-mail, then you are Geek Orthodox. If he answered you, and began a long correspondence, then you’re both Geek Orthodox.

If you can recall more user ids than names of List subscribers, then you might be Geek Orthodox. If you have ever prayed for a subscriber by user id instead of name, then you are Geek Orthodox.

If you have ever started an argument on the List, then you might be Geek Orthodox.

If you have ever tried to settle an argument in your parish by distributing printouts from the List, then you are Geek Orthodox.

If you have ever gotten carried away with an argument on the List, and kept on pursuing it long after everyone else is tired of it, then you might be Geek Orthodox.

If you have set up your Mail User Agent to permanently kill-file a particular subscriber of the aforementioned type, then you are Geek Orthodox.

If you have ever mistaken the List for the Church, then you might be Geek Orthodox. If you have ever reminded someone else that the List is not the Church, then you are Geek Orthodox.

If you have ever thought that the List might dissuade more people from Orthodoxy than it attracts, then you might be Geek Orthodox.

If you became Orthodox even after subscribing to the List for several years, then you are Geek Orthodox.

You might be Orthodox if…

* 10. You are still in church more than ten minutes after the priest says, “Let us depart in peace.”
* 9. You forget to change your clock in the spring at Daylight Savings Time, show up an hour late, but the service is still going on…
* 8. …but there are people in your community who still can’t get to church on time when the clock gets set back an hour in the fall.
* 7. You consider an hour long church service to be “short.”
* 6. You buy chocolate bunnies on sale (after Western Easter).
* 5. When someone says, “Let us pray…” you reflexively stand up.
* 4. You went to church four or more times in a week.
* 3. Your priest is married…
* 2. …and your vocabulary includes at least three words that describe the wife of a priest.

And the number one sign you might be Orthodox is…

* 1. You say a prayer before you pray.

From New Confession Guide Bans Retelling of Liturgical Gaffes

. . . St. Vladyka’s Press has published a new confession guide for these mind assaulters. Entitled Your Sin in Other People’s Brains, the guide places bans on specific stories that have infected a generation of Orthodox brains.

The news has been received with both joy and trepidation in the Orthodox world. Barsanuphius Johnson, head of the alumni association of St. Vladyka’s Seminary has said that the need for a deterrent to this kind of recurrent brain paralysis is obviously necessary.

“Of our graduates, 90 percent of them suffer from brain gophers and have to slow down at one point in the Liturgy of St. Basil,” Johnson said. “They’re afraid of repeating the mistake of a tongue-twisted priest who said, ‘…Round about You stand the Seraphim, one with six wings and the other with six wings; with two they cover their faces; with two they cover their fly…’

Johnson added that only eight people were present at the moment of the original gaffe, however the story has been retold no fewer than 8,000 times at seminarian parties.

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I’m a Yellow Sharpie!

What Color Sharpie Are You? (25 Different Colors) Updated Again!

Yellow Sharpie
Element: Fire
Sense: Touch
Gemstone: Topaz
Some Qualities: Joy, Optimism, Enthusiasm
Fact: The Greeks believed it had power to increase strength while the Romans believed it had power to improve eyesight, and the Egyptians wore it to protect them from injury.
Take this quiz!

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| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

In other words, I didn’t have time to write anything else, today!

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