This was sent in an e-zine I subscribe to (But You Don’t Look Sick). I highly recommend it to anyone who has, or who had a friend or family member who has, a chronic illness – especially one of the inflammatory diseases (fibromyalgia, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, polyarteritis nodosum, ankylosing spondylitis, etc).
My Roulette Kinda Life
I remember going to the bright lights of Atlantic City and watching people play roulette. I would just walk around and watch people. I liked to watch the “high rollers” because they seemed so carefree with amounts of money that would make me sick, if I lost. For a moment, I would love to be able to be one of them and not have a care in the world, and be able to bet freely. I stayed long enough to watch the same older man, win big.
People were cheering for him, as he bet black. He looked like luck was on his side that night, but then he just broke even, no cheers that time, but no big disappointments either, he was safe. Just as I was about to walk away I watched as he lost it all. He looked frustrated and even a little mad, but he continued to play anyway. In a matter of minutes I saw such a wide spectrum of luck and emotion. I laughed to myself knowing I couldn’t even afford to play. I walked away and never forgot thinking “that is my life… a roulette wheel. I never know what I’ll wake up to, what I can do, or how I am going to feel.” It’s all a risk, an unknown.
I find that much on this website is apropos to my life with RA and fibromyalgia. The inability to plan, the frequency of reneging on events, the validation of sudden losses of energy. I commend this entire website to you.
In particular, be sure to check out The Spoon Theory on the website.
And the next time I say, “I’m out of spoons,” you’ll know what I mean.